Sometimes We Need to Adjust Our Course

It's been nearly seven months since I left Canada and lot has happened in that time, but that is not what this is about. A time has come for me to change my course yet again. While the majority of the population goes about their predictable lives; going to the job they have gone to for years, sleeping in the house they have grown into, and talking to old friends, I will be working at building yet another new life. 

Although I am a very transparent person, there are things I suppose I should not divulge because it doesn’t really add to the flavor of the stew of life I am cooking. All I can say is that my biggest downfall was addiction. It wasn't addiction to drugs, or alcohol, sex or porn, it was an addiction to a person who, when through with me each time, left me as if I had just relapsed into a drug induced misery. I was always left alone, with nothing. The bank account empty, the job gone, I was always left wondering what the fuck just happened. 

During the last seven months I have learned a lot about that addiction. As much as something may seem like it is good, even if the reason to mess with that addiction comes from a good place, the pattern is destruction. While at the brink of suicide I realized that the drug I was addicted to, regardless of the package, is lethal. 

With all of that being said, the Los Angeles experiment has been a successful one. Initially it was to be part of a bigger plan, but that plan requires some tinkering. While here I managed to appear on a TV show, watch Conan live, was booked as a comedian at a nice club, was part of a theater production, met a lot of interesting people (two Oscar winners) and had a lot of enriching experiences. Some of those experiences were not positive, but I did learn from them. 

My main goal was to pursue comedy and writing…and I am still going to do that. This was merely a stepping stone to bigger things and I was able to find out what I want my "voice" to sound like. I actually just realized that the other night at my last open-mic where I made audience members sound like puppy dogs because my story was so sad. I must have forgotten where I was. Lately I have been sucking because I have had conflict with my material. The rehearsed observational commentary I was doing works, but it's not what I really want to say. I tried a few different ways to present my material and it didn't work at all. I didn’t even record those sessions because I was trying something out where I just went through a ton of ideas, bouncing it off the audience…it probably was horrible to watch because it was horrible to be me. But!!! It helped me realize what I want my voice to be. I am a story teller and therefore I need to be up there telling stories.

As I change the course, I will take all the lessons and experiences that have happened and work on my material while I work on something much more important.

I decided to move back to Phoenix. Yes, this means that soon I will live in a residence and not my car…and I can't say I am upset about that. I already have a job as a Graphic Designer and look forward to getting my daughter back. This whole experience has been brutal because I have missed her so much. If she was in an environment that I was comfortable with then maybe….but not likely. I missed her and she misses me. She needs her Dad and I need my daughter.

So, I will continue to pursue my dream, but my biggest dream is raising my girl and however this all happened, I am glad to be returning to her with this experience within me. It has reinforced what I have always known to be true. I thought I could live away from my little girl, but as the days pressed on, it became harder and harder and that affected everything in my life. I was dying inside. Not because I was away from her, but because I was so close to her and not with her. 

I am glad to be back in Phoenix because it means I am with my little princess.

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays

PS: Time is always working against me. I realize my writing has been blotchy and unpolished and I am sorry about that. From now on, as I settle down, I promise to polish my writings...starting next time!

Cheers

JS